Why Fear?

Movies with a message have always had a great impact on me. We watched Shanghai today. What was discussed in the movie is something that happens on a daily basis. It does not take too long to unearth the reason behind such crimes.
Money speaks. What is funny is that we often think that as regular educated human beings who lead the most normal lives, we remain untouched by such issues. Issues that first entice man to adopt the wrong ways to make money and then succumb to a fear factor - fear of losing what he earned and his life. So he, she will continue doing something which he would not otherwise do if he/she were free from these liabilities that made him go for that "money" and the comforts that come with it.
If I look around me, I see that desire to make money followed by that fear from taking the right step. Here it is not fear for life, but fear of being seen in bad light by the people who make the calls. The fear of losing that job which helps him/her win his/her daily bread and all the comforts. There is nothing wrong in trying to secure a good life for oneself. But when that comes at the cost of mental peace and that constant fear that if he takes a step, he will face the repercussions, its not worth it. In the movie they show the government as an organization that can take any step to suppress someone who goes against it. We see a similar situation around us everyday.  Desires, money, fear - its there in our daily lives.  

"Kaunsi bari baat hai ji"

Apart from the dancing around the trees which Bollywood movies are famous for, there is something more. The thing that touches my soul and has a lasting impact on my way of thinking.
To every man, the world is a pandoras box of troubles that has been left open for him. According to us, the mortal being, we are not responsible for the 100s of issues that we face every day. Hence, we are always sad when something unexpected comes up - after all it was not my fault. Is not that what we say?
I was late for office, missed my meeting as the car broke down. But that was the fault of the driver, he should have fixed his already broken car before coming to me. I went out to pick my laundry and it started raining as I was coming back. Gosh, all my clothes are wet now. I will cry over that for the next half an hour as I have nothing to wear for the evening party. Badalon ko abhi barasna tha kya!! I missed by lunch as food was not ordered on time, un-organized pantry boy. I stay hungry for no fault of mine. You can add your woes to this list. They will never end and you will neer have what you want.
But does all this really matter? Small issues in our daily lives take away our precious time from the limited period we have. Well everyone knows this, but we dont follow what we preach. As I was going through this thought, I happened to see "Chalo Dilli". Amazing, the way they capture these nuances of life. Petty issues that keep us un-happy all day, which eat into our mental peace. If we sit back and think how important are such daily headaches in our life? Do we really need to bear the load of every little issue and make it appear as though we are all in the same state as Atlas? As if we are bearing the pain of the entire world?
Next time, there is something that disturbs you - be it your pet or the guy across the counter at a store or the taxi driver or your colleagues, try to think is it really that serious? Do you really have to put in all your efforts to get yourself depressed over the situation? May be not, may be its just as easy as saying " aji kaunsi bari baat hai ji" as Vinay Pathak does in Chalo Dilli...

Mind over ego

I wonder; why the mighty emperors waged constant wars against smaller kingdoms – did they not feel at times these were meaningless conquests? Yet may be they could not back out as they were leading massive armies to the battle front. Having sworn by his words, he had promised to die before he surrendered to his enemies. More than this, in his own eyes he is the winner – how could he let go off that tiny speck of land that he can overpower in no time.
This is the plight of people even today – the cause is often lost in their desire to show they can be the winner. Let me take my example, an ordinary being, someone who can easily qualify for the role of the “girl next door”. Hence, I share the same emotions as the scores of young men and women around. I have had no lessons in psychology but have analysed my behaviour over these years. The fast pace of life has robbed us of the time to sit back and think. Think – what we actually want out of a situation and how should we act as well as react under these circumstances.
How often, has it happened that when you were in a conversation with a friend/partner/lover and suddenly one small point becomes the bone of contention? (Excuse my use of this cliché but I just could not get a better phrase for what I felt.) It hurts that little thing in you – your ego. Once it becomes a “matter of ego” – the mind fails to work in a logical manner. What follows is a desperate attempt to drive home that very tiny miny point by using force and power. Its personal now; you view your audience with a different perspective. He/she ceases to be your friend/partner/lover but transforms into that person who, you think, just cannot understand you! Mr.Ego is waiting there - to see you explode, anguish and frustration finding expression in words. The war of words has begun; now all that matters to you is to prove you are right. Wait a minute, but were we not trying to build a library, the house of knowledge when suddenly the trivial question of whether to place an order for that book gave way into a fight?
That one point leads to a breakdown of conversation. You have already lost sight of what you were actually discussing. What had gotten into you that you were unable to control those invisible forces. Forces that dilute the cause turn you into egomaniacs. In the wider scheme if things, such small issues appear futile and unnecessary. Why even bother on issues which deserve no more than a few minutes. But, with the help of our ever reigning ego – the war of words continues for what seems to be an eternity. The outcome: bad feelings and a deal/discussion which remains open until today. You leave the table with nothing but grievance. You delay further meetings with him/her and you become an escapist. From now on, every time you are required to discuss about the completion of the project, you have that feeling which makes you sick. You go into the room with a heavy heart of a man/woman who feels all discussions are mockery and that he/she would in any case disagree with you!
Thinking about it, the time and energy lost over such ego hassles can be very well invested in better ways. What should be our course of action is to try to identify the reasoning behind the oppositions’ decision to avoid the purchase of that book. If that seems to be fair, can we not let down our guard and let our ego rest in peace for some more time? However, we should be cognizant that some people have no other reason to oppose to our point but to satiate their ego. Hence, we have to have our own logic driven flow chart which shows the relation between the purchase of that book and the success of the library in attracting readers. Which means enormous thinking has to go into each and every point we are about to discuss. And to be able to think as we talk, we should let the mind do the talking and keep emotions at bay.
As I write, I think, have I tried to implement this in my life. May be not yet, but may be the next time, I shall try. Perhaps, “may be” is not the right set of words, I “must” try doing so rather than advising people of what their actions and reactions should be.

First-hand experience of the Indian state governments work model - could it get better?

The INSEAD experience was coming to an end. I graduated happily on 7th July and was excited about returning to my home country – India. I was going to join as a consultant in the Middle East on 1st September. Hence, as required by the UAE government, I had to turn in my attested degree certificate to my employer. They could then start initiating the process to issue me a work permit for the Middle East. My tickets to India were booked for the 8th and my MBA certificate did not have the name of the issuing country on it. Hence, I thought it would be much easier to get my under-graduation certificate attested back in India. After all I am a citizen of India, so they would respect my B.Tech certificate from the premier institute of India! How very ignorant I was about Indian bureaucratic systems!
Before leaving Singapore, I had called up the UAE embassy in India to understand the process for attesting my B.Tech certificate. It was a straight forward three step process –
1. Attest it from the Education department of the state from where my B.Tech certificate was issued. In my case from the education ministry in Dehradun.
2. Attest it from the Ministry of External affairs in New Delhi
3. Attest it from the UAE embassy in New Delhi
Hmm…it did seem like it would consume three days of mine, one day for each step. Could I outsource it? I enquired around and discovered Urogulf. They made claims about their expertise in this area and they were recommended to me by a friend who had used their services. Unfortunately Urogulf was not equipped with the resources to do the attestation for IIT Roorkee certificates. So I lost a week in trying to send my documents to them and retrieving my documents from the courier service without managing to lose my original certificate.
It was already 16th of July when I finally got back my certificate from the courier service. So I decided to go in person to complete the process mentioned above. I had to submit the attested certificate (by UAE embassy) before end of month July.
No time to lose, I booked myself on the flight to Delhi on Sunday, i.e. 18th and then on the night train to Dehradun the same day. This was the first of many sleepless nights to follow. So I arrived in Dehradun on 19th early morning. The auto ride to a motel was refreshing; I was reminded of all the good times spent in Dun when I was in Roorkee. 9.30 am by my clock, I was at the Sachiwalaya or Secretariat gate of Dehradun trying to make a pass to enter the Secretariat. “Come back at 12.30”, oops there goes my first day, never mind I still have the afternoon to get my certificate attested from the education ministry. However, after a bit of waiting around, an old man offered his services. He got my pass made and I headed with him towards the concerned department. Apparently the General Administration department was responsible for this attestation.
“Madam, there is a set process, it is online, you will first have to go to the District Magistrate (DM) office in Baharadarabd in Haridwar”. I was stunned, no one had told me about this! I felt like a fool, had I missed out on some important information? Apparently I did, the DM office had a website that had mentioned all the steps which I had overlooked. My fault, ok, I took the address of the DM office. So I should go immediately to the DM office in Bahadarabad and meet the ADM (Assistant DM), a two hour drive from Dehradun. Roorkee falls within Haridwar district, hence I had to go to the ADM of Haridwar.
Anyone who has taken that drive; would be aware of the rash driving along that road. Never mind, there was no time to wait for trains. So I booked a taxi and set off to Bahadarabad. It was pouring and there were no signs of a DM’s office in Bahadarabad. I finally asked the driver to park by a police post. I stepped out of the car to talk to the policemen guarding or should I say just standing and chatting there. “There is no DM office in Bahadarabad, there is one in Roshanabad, go there. Where are you from..” All those scary questions from the police which make you feel unsafe in their presence. I took off from there as soon as possible. Back in the cab, I called 100, the police helpline to find the number and exact address of the DM office.
This was just the beginning of the ordeal. The DM office appeared to me like a Ghetto for the criminals, as I walked in, people stared at me, you know that look. The office was in the middle of nowhere. There was no way to get out of that place, no public transport and no sane cab driver would drive down to Roshanabad which was on the outskirts of Haridwar to pick me. ADM sir was “resting”, it was 2pm then. Seems they rest everyday after lunch, irrespective of the urgency of the matter. I saw a long waiting period ahead of me. The assistant to ADM, a kind man told me that they would send a photocopy of my original certificate and a request letter to IIT Roorkee for verification. What!! Why was that, because my certificate might have been a forged one! I realized for the first time in my life that the B.Tech certificate from Indian Institute of Technology held no value. Can you believe that? Yes, I had to accept that. The more disgusting piece of information was that the documents would be send by post to Roorkee. When I enquired how long would the process take, there was silence and then some rude remarks directed towards me.
Time was running out fast. I could not wait endlessly, besides I had no place to stay in Haridwar or even Dehradun. So I requested the person preparing the letter to allow me to carry a sealed envelope to Roorkee. On persuasion, he threw the papers back at me, shouting at me for trying to act smart. He refused to even prepare the letter now. “Go, get the ADMs permission”. So I tried taking an appointment with the ADM. He refused straight away. I waited and was persistent, from 2pm until 4pm I waited and watched, seated on a broken wooden chair with a bunch of crooked looking men. My cab driver in the mean time was getting restless, I was supposed to release him long back but I did not dare to. So I paid him to hang around for some more time. In the mean time, I had called a friend of mine to urgently come down to Haridwar, as it was getting unsafe for me. My patience paid off, I was allowed to meet ADM SIR! He had that attitude in his voice, “you should have come earlier, you know this is a process”. Huh, no one around knows how long the process takes, and you say it’s a defined process?? My requests were turned down, but I did manage to get the letter typed at the ADMs direction. Thank you ADM sir!!
One task done, but how do I take the letter with the photocopy to Roorkee as soon as possible. I was fortunate to be able to get hold of a temporary employee who agreed to ride in the car with me to Roorkee with the letter and ride back to DM office with the letter. Roorkee would not allow me to take the letter back to Roshanabad by hand. It was 5pm by my watch, people were packing their bags, this already deserted place was looking scarier. So I asked the employee to walk out to the main entrance with the documents in an envelope. I paid my cab driver and stood there in the middle of nowhere with my bag packed for 3 days. I waited for another half an hour, before my friend arrived. I felt for the first time in the day, I was safe, away from those bureaucrats.
We drove down to Roorkee, another hour and had to wait until 10am the next morning. What happened in Roorkee is history! I expected the process in Roorkee to be smooth and quick. I was in for the biggest surprise that really hurt me. The assistants to the Assistant Registrar who was the authority to sign the photocopy of the certificate refused to even attend to me before the 26th of July. To remind you, it was 21st July that day. All they had to do was to look up my name in the Roorkee database and send the photocopy to the Assistant Registrar for his signature. They had all the time to talk about food and marriages, as I overheard them but they did not have the time to look into the computer! And the Assistant Registrar was on leave for the last two days. No one knew when he would be back. Is he not supposed to have assigned some other authority to look into day to day matters? I fail to appreciate this system in the premier institution of the country. Tears and money helped me but I was humiliated that day in front of seven people staring at me in the Academic department of IIT Roorkee. The same employee whom we had given a lift from DM office, who carried and submitted my envelope in Roorkee found a chap from his village in the department. Only because of that contact, my certificate was verified.
We raced back to Roshanabad to the DM office with the employee from that office. I could again forge the signature or the photocopy, so I was not allowed to touch that envelope! Wasn’t it now a straight forward step? The ADM should just attest the original certificate which I was carrying with me. But, they made me wait until the end of the day from 1pm. Finally, the “babu” read officer who was supposed to pack the letter in an envelope and courier it to Dehradun (remember, it all started there!) had to be bribed. There was no way I would wait for them to send the original certificate by post to Dehradun. Neither did I trust their postal services or the people in Dehradun who would collect the document. I have no idea, where is it written in the constitution that at this stage the certificate cannot be handed over to the candidate? So at 6pm, I was honoured to receive ADMs signature on the certificate, there was some transfer of money at the “babu” level. I thanked the employee who had been with us in our Roorkee adventure, he is a good man. I felt sad to hear how DMs and ADMs who have lavish bungalows, maids to look after house chores and government cars as perks are also corrupted. How they demand for huge amounts when it comes to filling up posts. If anybody reading this works in the government, could you explain this to me please??
Another 2 hour drive to Dehradun and a overnight wait until the gates of the Sachiwalaya opened. Nothing happens before 2pm in these offices. I had asked my friend to drop me there and take off, as he had already missed two days of work. I sat in the waiting room with my travel bag and files. I waited, tired and hungry. I walked up to the first floor where I had submitted my original certificate from Dehradun to be again attested by the Uttaranchal government. I stood there for hours in front of the “General Administration” department. People walking down the corridors stared at me, they never fail to do so when they see a woman trying to get her work done in state government offices. Finally around 4pm, the head of that room called me in to explain the situation. Those were the first kind words I had heard since I started off on 18th. The delay was caused by the unavailability of that mysterious person who was supposed to attest my certificate. I asked him where on their website was the process described as was told to me the first day in Sachiwalaya. “It is not available online, could you please spread the word about the process to your juniors in IIT Roorkee”. So I was not a fool, I had not missed any information. I was just being misled. Now I think, how many times throughout those three days was I being misled? How many times they got money out of me for no reason at all?
I was called back at 4.30pm. I waited, it was now 5.30pm, once again people around me were calling it a day. I was getting impatient; I had already missed a train back to Delhi, now I had another train that night. But I was helpless, all I could do was wait and keep peeking into the room to see if the file that contained my document had arrived. At 6pm, I was called in. The attested certificate was handed to me and there was once again a transfer of a small coupon amount compared to what I had paid in the DM office.
I felt I had made “Mission Impossible” possible, as I walked out of the Sachiwalaya with my belongings! Was it real, had I made it in reality? I knew the attestation from MEA and UAE embassy were to be done, but those were well defined processes described online. And they did go very smoothly. I had to do nothing but to drop my documents at the counter in the morning at both these places and collect them back at the assigned time. When you have seen such anarchy at the state level, you are awed by the great work done by the Central Government. Whatever, the ordeal was over in five days. However, I hope systems are modified to reduce the number of steps and the uncertainty. Having a database of names of students graduating from the institutions in that state does not appear to be an unachievable feat. May be when we have a social security number 15 years from now, our children would find it easier to develop their careers in India and abroad!

Its simply about giving expression to your thoughts once you know your direction

2007 came to an end and at the beginning of 2008, just after my return from London I flew to Delhi for a day for the ISB interview. Was initially horrified to find a strange response from the interviewers, "oh we thought you would not turn up for the interview". I think I had failed to communicate properly that I was going to appear for the interview in Delhi and not in Mumbai, my hometown for two years. MBA interviews, that is another chapter, I had four interviews and there was no similarity between them except for the fact that ISB and Yale were held in the office lobbys of hotels.
Interview done, got into my casuals and left straight for the airport, work had turned exciting by then so I was all looking forward to getting back to office to my desk. That lovely place right next to the windows facing the Hiranandani lake. Pity no-one thought of turning that place into a miniature queens necklace. When I finally got the call, I was not very happy. On achieving some things in life, if the happiness does not excite you enough, understand you do not actually want that thing anymore. Better let go off it and keep looking for what makes you really really happy. No words of wisdom from peers, family could lead me to ISB. Its an awesome place, but I wanted something else. An associate and a long time guide during my MBA application process, Priyadarshan sir had sent me an email that was in complete sync with what I thought. So yes, I did decide to wait for another year.
However, waiting does not change anything, simply putting off chores and taking them up later on does not imply one would perform better the next time. A mechanical approach to MBA applications does not help, that I firmly believe. So what actually changed since I had last applied? Everything at work actually!
The irony is - the more I liked my job, the more I used to put into my work and the easier it got for me to discover what I liked. Steve Jobs had talked about the connecting dots at Stanford, though I am still trying to get there, I completely believe in what he said. I was looking for a goal, a cause, I knew I had to do that "something" through which I could make a difference. My new found love for the area in which I was working gave me the direction. This time around when I applied to INSEAD and Yale, I knew what for what I wanted to do. It was so much more easier to frame those thoughts. I got through both of them, but must thank a senior from my Undergraduate for all the time and energy he spent on my essays.
When I started off, I asked him for his essays, he gave me a piece of advice which I thought was actually a way to shoo me off. Now, when I check essays I understand the relevance of his words. Initially when we start writing, we have a tendency to call up someone who has got through in the past and ask for his/her essays. We do not realize the harm in doing so, the human brain is easily influenced by what one sees and reads and listens to. Just while reading editorials and opinions of others, we are advised to digest the content with a pinch of salt. So, is the case with essays. In this case, it is much more easier to start adopting the writing style and the patterns without even realizing it just because expressing all those thoughts within the word limit is really not an easy task. This seemingly invincible task is made much easier if you have found what you would love to do.

Where do I want to be 5 years from today?

During the waiting time, before I got an offer from Clear Capital, I decided to make some good use of my time. Appeared for GMAT, got a score of 710, not the best score but I think it was a wise decision to not to think of retaking the GMAT. Finally it is a personal choice but I think the time spent in preparing and re-appearing for GMAT can be better spent in writing the essays.
Again there was a huge gap between the time I took my GMAT to my admission in INSEAD in 2009. I started the process in late 2007 so that I could apply for the session starting in 2008. My portfolio included ISB, Harvard Business School, Carnegie Mellon and not to forget London Business School. Was dinged (you got to know this word before getting into any school) by all but ISB, was happy to move into the interview round held in Delhi. I did convert this into a call (IIM lingo) but finally decided to reject the offer. A huge gamble, more so because things were not perfect on the work front. However, this decision had much lower risks attached to it when compared to what I did when I was in Schlumberger. I just said quits one fine day and packed my bags and left for home. What followed was fun, excitement and at times disappointment. Living out of a suitcase, if you want to phrase it.
I had spent almost a month at home after resigning from Schlumberger, no offers that appealed to me. Who says recession is the only time when unemployment prevails! This is a perfect example of structural unemployment (wiki for more). Some interviews were lined up, I went on to the last round for a consultancy firm offering services to the maritime industry. Consulting always fascinated me, so I decided to take this offer when it finally arrived. This was towards the end of December. Mumbai was my next destination, what followed was fifteen days of supercharged drama! I had some obligation towards my theatrical interests :).
Whatever, I resigned from that firm within two weeks and became a gypsy until I received the final offer from Clear Capital for the position of an Oil and Gas Analyst. Must say this kind of career change would not be possible today with the kind of skill sets I had. I must thank Gunjan, my IIT Roorkee batchie and Schlumberger colleague for passing me the advert for this position. Thanks buddy, see when you are jobless don't shy away. Rather spread the word and let everyone around you know that you are looking for a new direction in life.
The idea of an MBA became strong during the end of my first year in Clear Capital. There were some structural changes, the oil and gas team was no longer functional. I decided I should start planning for my future, MBA seemed to be the best option. However, my applications for 2008 were an outcome of my loss of interest in work. That shows my selection of colleges.
If one closely looks, there is no underlying common theme. I had randomly picked up four schools, the probability of getting into each school was different from that of the other. Diversification was the way to go! For example, I was very optimistic about the ISB call, LBS came next on the list as I was working in finance for a firm based out of London. Then there was HBS and Carnegie Mellon. INSEAD was always on my list, but I felt I was lacking the job experience required to apply to INSEAD. Had I been in Schlumberger for three years, I would have done so.
I did not put in a lot of thought into my essays, writing essays is not the biggest issue, its about framing your thoughts. I felt these questions were comparable to the essays we wrote in our exams in high school. I did not understand the purpose of these questions. Ok, they are used to evaluate a student's eligibility to sit in the classroom but is it not a mere play of words? Someone who has good presentation skills and is a master in essay writing should get through. Is it that simple or there is more to the question, "Where do you see yourself five years from now?"

Recollecting all that went into living and realising my INSEAD dreams

There was a time when I thought I had my professional life all charted out. I would be getting an admission into a Masters Course right after graduation, and follow it up with a PHD. A doctorate in Chemical Engineering, keeping up with the Doctor legacy of my family, though the similarity would lie only in the prefix!
My wing mates passing by in the morning would at times do the peek a boo game, “wait a second” would be the expression on their faces. There was something funny about my room. Instead of containing mock tests for the getting into the best B-schools in India, one would find white charts strewn all over the white washed walls. And I would add atleast two dozen new words from Norman Lewis every morning to the list. It was indeed a funny sight; from a distance it appeared as though I was scribbling on the wall. So when they passed by my room, they would consciously peek in to see what was happening. So there I was all set to phodofy my GRE. I was happily detached from the world of TIME and Career Launcher, while others were busy forecasting their performance in the main exams. The closest I came to MBA preparation, was flipping through the test material, pencil marks everywhere, that’s all I remember, honestly!
There were discussions, where I convinced my parents that MBA was not happening in my life. To me at that time, my opinion about my career was what mattered the most, and wise as I was (I thought so, shamelessly) I said MBA makes sense only after gaining some work experience. I never knew at that time these were the words - most uttered by the best B schools across the world! However that was just a scape-goat for me, had I been interested in pursuing a MBA, I would have tried to enquire about how many years of work experience are required, what kind of work does the magic in getting calls and so on. I was not thinking about any of these, “man kiya to dekha jayega” was my mantra (if I ever felt we would see). All I focussed on was my GRE.
Now if you are thinking I completed all those applications for MS, I am sorry dear friends, I have to disappoint you. I did manage a decent score in my GRE but that was the end of it. The scores till date lie in my blue folder. The owner of this folder never called upon her score genie to take her into the mystic world of chemical engineering hidden in the best labs of the world!
So what was I doing?? There was something new and very exciting happening in my life. The recruitment season was on; once again I had my own biases, though not backed by much market research. Infact that was an interesting incident that led to where I am today. Now as I give shape to my thoughts, the words of Steve Jobs at the Graduation Ceremony in Stanford come to my mind. The dots always connect, when I look back today, I know they have connected in my life. A Chemical Engineer at heart, I had set my eyes on British Gas. I walked into the Group Discussion room in my new salwar kameez, stitched for the occasion. The interviewer rose, we were all ready with our pencils to note down the topic of the day. But he had something else to offer. He looked at me and conveyed in a very gentle non-offensive manner that they were not going to recruit girls. This implied I was not eligible to apply for the job. I must say I was mad at them. However, in a very kind gesture, the interviewer sent for me later on, he gave me a word of advice- “Schlumberger recruits girls for the oil fields, so you should try there”. I took the rejection by BG as a challenge, it would be Schlumberger or no job. So I prepared a universal job resume, though my universe comprised of only one company.
I got through, an incredible boost for me. I still remember the day when the names were finally announced. I could feel the rush of hormones, hormones that give a kick and later on lead you to a state of euphoria, where ones mind just revels in some undefined glory, disconnected from everything around.
After all this babble, I have still not come to the beginning of the MBA chapter. Though, Schlumberger temporarily marked the end of my GRE dreams. So if there are folks out there, who think MBA right after college is not going to be the best thing for you, don’t you worry, there are many like you . If people are unsure about what they are doing, its natural. You learn as you go through these phases, you juggle through the options and pick the best one be it a job, a PHD or an MBA.